You have to touch every life, every light a little quantum bit.
if you see it if you touch it if you smell it if you do it if you taste it
don't waste it don't screw it UP
don't tell it don't much fit just be it
here and dear
I've stubbed my toe on reality again...
I was coasting along so well, but you know that had to change.
The kid who is the center of my life is growing, and I am no longer the center of her orbit. Right and properly so. But... in the process of growing, she is rejecting me and choosing her father. Wanting to go to that other school. Farther away from me. I undrestand it. But i hate it. This rejection hurts.
For her eyes, i try to be brave and somewhat nonchalant. I mostly succeed, but no...
I live in a fractal world. my reality folds back in on itself and love is all that matters. the real reality is the heart and the currency is passion.
quantum reality is used by the brain. the spaces between the synapse forms a quantum computer. it is where the act and influence of observation touch those pesky pairs. the ones spinning through the universe. positron and and antipositron, muon and quark. our thoughts are connected. if we see them they see us. seems pretty logical really.
i miss helen
it slipped out, in a tear and sob, ripping unexpectedly through my evening ennui.
so sad so lost from me
days since i smelled her, or took care of her, touched her curllllll..... my little girl
Lost to me...
and my old cat Fluffy is dying, and Melody crying lost herself in the wilderness... Jamie doubting and rifts being torn and we speak and speak and speak. Drama swirling.
What a waste. energy lost into anger rather than into the light bright of creation.
just like you!
oh, you are so busted..
I've been busy tonight. Shopping, cleaning, tending to pets, watching TV (ack) i guess i'm really a bum if i have time for tv!
I've been trying not to think about Helen. It sucks. I miss her terribly sometimes.
Broke out in sobs, tears have been chasing me all day. Cranky and mean, ungrateful and mopey, i'm a bum bum bum.
And it's Christmas, Harumph bum bum bum
It is hard to deal with Christmas without Helen. No specialness. But i must stop d...
and i ache for you
miss your warmth, laughter, the smell of your skin
you are not dead, just gone
to another life where i cannot touch you
forbidden by the ex, censured from motherhood
i ache with missing my baby tonight
Somewhere bubbling inside, there sometimes stirs unrest.
That tightening feeling that i must do something. Something about nothing, anything.
Restless thoughts. Twisted blankets. Wondering about legacies and the meaning of life.
Does information cross the barrier of a black hole? Why does that matter?
Will i turn to dust when i die? Will my life leave a mark on history for 15 brief moments?
Will the tragedy always be a part of life, or will that aching loss ever truly set me free?
I'm ready to chatter, with no one to hear. Waiting for you my dear.
My imagination too...
The echo of your hand warming me.
My body will never forget
burning with residual heat
your touch lingers so lovely
Up to my garage doors,
and inside parked, at bay
Not roaring that throaty roar
And glistening in the warm summer breezes turned to gale force wind at the touch of my foot on the pedal
Loosey goosey is gravity's hold on this 5.7 liters of highly tuned mechanical excellence...
Perfect, sleek and speedy. Gaudy and loud and ever so shiny.
And now - It's mine-y!
Maybe she is actually reading some, and maybe Simon is too...
If you are, Thanks for all the blogs you wrote once upon a time.
I've always been more of a lurker than an active participant. You've always been the busy one.
Struggling through life, but making it somehow, and keeping your heart open.
I enjoyed your opinions.
I felt for your life story.
And in some ways that are not wise to talk about so freely, I am like you.
I didn't get to read the blog you wrote that blew thin...
I have said that my roll at work, the job they pay me to do, is to be a conduit. A channel of information, a flow of connections and amplifications. My job is to magnify the work that others do. To execute their structure.
I must translate transparently the movement of others. I must accept the guidance of others.
not at work - but in my life, in my dreams... the ebb has as much say-so as the tide in the diurnal rhythm of the ocean.
i still dream of kisses firm at...
So, we are doing the wild thing. (Not the wild thing you are thinking about. Even wilder.) Our world is connected and intertwined.
Yet still my fears linger and cloud my thoughts. So i take them out and shake them loose and show them the light of day.
What are they that they are so transparent and ephemeral, and yet so pervasive and persuasive?
It isn't the direct fear of losing you. It is the fear that you won't want me in the morning or even now you want another...
That i will lose you be...
I use to log on to the personals site where you were posted and look at the picture.
You looked sad, but not really somehow, like it was a conscious act - that expression.
Posed. You looked sad for effect.
And sometimes you were mad and blustery.
You will never know how passionately crazy i was.
The reason is that you don't and won't ever want that sizzling heat.
You are a cooler fellow who likes a distance.
So, you don't see what is inches from your nose,
because you are thinking about ...
So 14 months of dating culminates in a union. A union of two older adults is like negotiations between countries.
Infrastructure has to be built (relationships with children and friends).
Treaties have to be negotiated (we don't have to say sir and ma'am at my house).
Languages have to be taught (family means ... home is ... politeness is... )
Rules of engagement have to be developed (cold shoulder after a fight is against the rules, fight til it's done and then get over it)